Sneaking Suspicion
K. here! It’s been a while since we’ve had a comic about my mental illness, but it’s still something that I want to address in my own way now and then. As a very smart woman recently wrote, it can be hard to put yourself out there in autobiographical form — and to know which pieces to show, which to tweak for brevity and even how people will react to them. I do experience extreme paranoia (it never really goes away, either), but these days we at least know how to address and control my symptoms, and one of those ways is with humor. Hey, it can’t be all bad if I can still laugh at my can of brain worms, can it?
…That car does have pretty weird license plates, though.
Making me laugh at my own brain even as it’s basically trying to kill me is one of the best ways my roommates help me feel better. I guess it’s *sort of* like Monsters Inc. – you’ve got one fuel system of screaming and another fuel system of laughter, and it really does seem like laughter works a lot better at keeping the whole thing running anyway. You can scream at your brain when it’s growing an extra lot of worms, or you can laugh at it. Screaming usually only turns into fertilizer for me, while laughing is usually a pretty good pesticide.
… I don’t know if any of that made sense. Ahem.
Anxiety/Paranoia/BP II here. The SO and I call my bad days ‘Bad Potato Weather.’ That way I can text him midday and tell him, “Hurricane Potato is off the coast, could make landfall by this afternoon.” It was his idea to come up with our own vocabulary and codes for when I feel like I’m slipping. Keeping a playful, light side to it really helps ease my tension. And it helps me communicate to him that I’m having a bad day so he knows that I need a little extra patience and care. Meds and therapy definitely have a place in my maintenance. But having a partner who actually IS my partner in dealing with this stuff has made an enormous difference. Yay to you and Stiffler for making it a joint effort!
I think that making your own vocabulary can actually help you cope with your symptoms. You can express that you’re anxious or depressed without putting the label Anxious or Depressed onto your feelings: when you label something with a word of your own making you’re able to control the definition of that word, and therefore control the connotations and layers of meaning… it let’s you express that you’re not feeling “okay” without dropping the big, loaded words.
I’ve learned over the years that words, even internal dialogue, shape us. We create our world with the words we use to describe it. A rose is a rose… but also Blossom, Flower, Plant… change your words and change your world.
This!! I agree wholeheartedly. I’ve experienced several not-really-consensual physical encounters throughout my life. Due to a number of reasons, I’m not currently comfortable labeling these events as “sexual assault” or discussing said events in public-ish places, which can make it difficult to explain my post-trauma-y symptoms to others when the need arises. To overcome this, my boyfriend and I have taken to referring to the events as “nopefests,” which is great not only because I now have a inconspicuous word for them, but because saying “nopefest” definitely amuses me every time. It’s much easier for me to talk about traumatic experiences when I can inject a little fun into the conversation 😀
“But having a partner who actually IS my partner in dealing with this stuff has made an enormous difference”
omg. This. I’m getting out of a long relationship with a man who just didn’t understand. And I just thought time would help him understand. All the while, slipping further away from functioning. Which further compounded his frustration with me (unbeknownst to me).
Hi K (and A), I’m a schizoaffective who sometimes makes comics about it too, I enjoy reading of your experiences. Sometimes being able to find humor in all this can help to cope.
It’s the curse of the hyper aware (I know not because of me, but my wife)
It’s not fun. My career has turned me into an individual that my friends find it… Well rather hard to cope with. Have to sit against a wall facing the door in most public places. Anxious unless I know 2 or 3 ways to leave a building at any given time. I tend to avoid social gatherings if it involves large crowds because I will give myself a migraine trying to keep track of everyone. Wish I could turn it off, go “back to normal” but I’ve forgotten how
oh yeah, I am totally at that window with you. Did not know it’s an actual thing. Thought it was just another thing people can be annoyed about me with. Thank you.
From midsummer till winter solstice as the light decreases, I find it is harder for many folks, myself included. This comic and the nice comments made me smile over coffee today. I’m in the weird boat where I’d love to give all you hugs.. but I’m also terrified of stranger touching, so… how about coffee or tea, y’all? [:
Thank you for sharing with us. It can be hard to put yourself out there instead of hiding yourself from the world. You do it every day. Go you. You are beautiful and strong. <3
oh man I know that feeling. I guess I’m lucky, as mine stems from ADHD (inability to filter input effectively + less control over one’s thoughts in this case = WHY IS THAT LADY STARING AT ME DAMN IT). I’ve had everything from “is that car following me” to “that chick who hates my boyfriend is going to firebomb our house” to the near-schizophrenic “THERE ARE INVISIBLE MONSTERS IN MY HOUSE DON’T BLINK DAMN YOU DOCTOR WHO” – that one was pretty weird.
I was talking about it with some people on a political board years ago because one of my ongoing worries at the time was that our political opposites were going to try to hurt us or kill us (they were saying we were traitors and should be executed and if the government wasn’t going to do it then someone would have to step up… bet you can guess which side this was…) and someone on one of their boards found it and decided (spoiler, they didn’t succeed) that it would be funny to doxx me (before that was a thing) so that people could come by and shoot at my house “to give me something to cry about”. I sent their info to the FBI in case anything ever happened to any of our more famous posters, but nothing ever came of it.
Anyway, long-winded personal stories aside, as I recovered from the other health problems that triggered the invisible monsters incident, I learned to cope with the paranoia, sometimes in weird ways. Like, I deal with the “people in the store are staring at me” by giving in to my goofy impulses to sing along with the store music and so on, because that way, I know EXACTLY why people are staring at me, so I don’t have to worry that it’s for some reason I should be picking up on but I’m not properly noticing. In the end, that’s what it comes down to – knowing what works for you and what you need to be able to go on with your life.
its good to see another one of these up, I’m glad. I still peek out the window at every car slam and horn blow trying to make sure no ones out to get me or like break into my house which is sad because my neighboorhood is a safe one. Schizoaffective stuff sucks, but its nice when you can just smile about it.
I’ve struggled with depression since I was 11 years old (official diagnosis at 12) so I understand the frustration that comes with feeling like you aren’t in total control of your own mind ( / “brain worms”) and the difficulty in dealing with flare-ups. Humor has been critical medicine for me too :).
many much oddness lurks in my brain, but only depression and anxiety I’ll admit to being actually Things Which Exist Or Something. Thanks for this. *offers remote hugs*
Out of curiosity, funny/weird how?
The numbers and letters are both lumped together and sequential, and just the letters have a large scuff mark over them. But that’s probably just an old fender-bender.
A license plate worth a second (or in your case, eighth) look. Don’t trust these “neighbors,” whoever they are, they’ve already brainwashed A. We’re running out of time, you have to act quickly!
(P.S. In case I just increased your paranoia, I’m making it up. Can’t have my favourite artists running off and not drawing us comics, can I?)
XD could also have possibly been missionaries! Also also, I think it’s awesome you’re open about what goes on in such a meaningful and entertaining way ^^
(bit of a side note: recently a bunch of Jehovah’s Witnesses started making rounds in the neighborhoods Mormon missionaries usually go.. Since I’m jack-Mormon, meaning I bellieve but don’t follow as much, I think I’m getting a better idea of why my friends had elaborate prank ideas to shoo religeous types off!)
「I’ll still get you next time, tho」
I, too, have paranoia. Not too sure if it’s of the paranoid schizophrenic variety, but whatever. I’m scared that thinking really ‘loud’ makes people hear my thoughts. And that people are just some federal government’s goons dressed up to monitor me, making scenarios that are specifically made so that they can study me.
As someone who is on anti-psycotics (olanzipine) for paranoid schizophrenia, I feel your pain.
I take Seroquel. How is Olanzipine?
I always felt stupid for my paranoia, but I’m glad you’re open about it in comic/humor form. It definitely helps.
you know….They’re probably murderers.
Laughter and poking fun at your own illnesses and disorders can be a good coping mechanism. I have both physical and mental illnesses and I make fun of both. A friend and I once came up with a weird little story about demon and angel immune cells inside me, and the wise woman Auntie Bea who sometimes help the angels out. (I have an auto-immune disease, so the demons are the cells that attack my body, the angels are the parts of my immune system that does what it’s supposed to, and Auntie Bea is anti-b(iotics))
On the mental illness side I’ve got a lot going on, and I don’t think I mock it as much, though I do use my own phrases for some things. (I use depressy quite often, it’s a funnier and softer word, and indicates that while things are decidedly not good, they have been worse) I also have anxiety disorder, which sometimes manifests itself as mild paranoia, so I have an idea of what you go through
As someone with a severe anxiety disorder who always look over their shoulders and around their surroundings, I understand what what you are going through.
Thank you to all those who speak openly about their illnesses. It must be wonderful to have a friend/partner/family member who not only understands you but tries to be helpful. (Or at least tries to understand.) I’m so use to people telling me to “grow up,” or using various colorful euphemisms that it’s very difficult to talk about my various conditions.
That said, in modern life a little paranoia is a good thing!
I love doing that! It makes it almost normal that I am (formerly) psychotically paranoid. I’ve also come up with more light-hearted terms for losing one’s sanity–like “gone down the rabbit hole”.
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder so although I may not be as paranoid as you, I know how you feel. It can be a pain in the ass. (It also doesn’t help that I love horror movies!)
I use humor a lot when it comes to dealing with my mental illnesses. I have Bipolar, anxiety, ADD, and IED. It helps with everything except the IED, which is harder to cope with. Though, I was only recently diagnosed with IED so I still have a lot to learn about coping with it.