It’s asexuality, not flag semaphore, people. Not that hard to understand.
As an asexual I can reveal the common hobbies of comics, collecting physical music, and going out in public looking hot for nobody’s benefit but my own but not even then cuz well I am asexual
As an asexual myself, I can attest to this.
Only having to pay for your own ticket to a movie and not feeling weird about it. 😀
The amount of free time I would have if I didn’t spend any time on sexy things honestly terrifies me.
AGREED! My asexual status makes life 100% easier than it used to be! I have no controlling sexual urges, my life isn’t dedicated to trying to impress people I wanna sleep with, and best of all… everything I do, I do for me, and me alone! I dress how I wanna, live my life how I wanna, and make friends with everyone… because I am the ultimate ‘non-threatening’ friend! BOO-YAH! Hobbies include: Eating whatever I wanna, Studying Japanese, and dressing to impress… myself!
And here I thought “Queer” meant homosexual, which didn’t fit it. Turns out it just means “strange”
Queer has changed meaning a few times in the past 50 years or so. Now it’s a catch-all term for anyone who’s identity goes against gender roles.
Nowadays “queer” is accepted to mean “anything that’s not cisgender/heterosexual.” It’s even the academic term; lots of universities have “queer studies” now.
See, time for all of those hobbies makes you just that much more attractive to others. It ain’t all about sex…
I’m not asexual although sometimes I wish I was both asexual and aromantic. I feel like sexuality influences a lot of our emotions without us being completely aware of it and I wish I didn’t have this constant need for affection.
I’d like to live entirely for more important stuff than that but my emotions always stand in my way. I’d give anything to get rid of them.
That’s not cool of you to think. Being asexual and/or aromantic doesn’t mean you dont have difficulties or desire relationships with people. I’m ace and demi-aro and I still have a constant need for affection. So yeah not cool. You need to do some research and listen to ace & aro people and not assume our lives are so much easier than yours.
Demi-aro means that you can only be romantic only with a person that you know have a strong emotion connection with. I get how that can be complicated. By using just aromantic, I meant completely aromantic, as in completely lacking interest in romantic relationships, which of course, is not your case. Sorry for not being specific enough. I didn’t mean to offend.
Even aromantic asexuals have to manoeuvre and spend time on relationships, whatever form they may be in- friends, family… Aromantic =/= emotionless.
Eg, I’m a romo ace, but my friend who is an aro ace is currently in a poly queerplatonic set of relationships.
You know what else is emotionally taxing? When you prioritise friendships over other relationships and want to spend a lot of time in the company of friends- would even love to live together with someone in what to the outside world might seem common of a dedicated romantic/sexual relationship… Except that western society heavily prioritised romantic/sexual relationships to the detriment of all others, and it is expected and plays out so that once a person has found their “love” they leave behind all their other relationships as secondary.
And probably the reason Bee reacted as such (and I also feel as strongly) is because your statement (“I wish I was aro ace”) is often used in ignorance and to erase the actual experience of aro aces.
I think Bee’s reply is a bit harsh. I’m sorry you feel like your emotions are always getting in your way. Emotions are important for a lot of reasons. But here’s the great thing about being an adult: you can feel however you feel, but you don’t always have to act on those feelings. So sometimes you can be sexually attracted to someone, but you don’t act on those feelings because it would be inappropriate in that situation.
So you’re making the assumption here that all adults are always in perfect control of their feelings… right. And by saying that sexuality influences our behaviour, I didn’t mean that I mindlessly act on my impulses, but the fact that I am trying to control those emotions specifically so I don’t act on them and get into not an inappropriate situation, but an emotionally hurtful one.
I just meant that this control is time-consuming and very emotionally taxing and I’d rather not have to do it, if I had a choice, by eliminating both the problems of sexuality and romantic attachment completely (see the reply to Bee). Sadly, I don’t have a choice.
I’ve experienced being emotionally disabled, or, to be more understandable; all my emotions were turnt off, like a switch. I wasn’t able to feel hunger, sadness, aggression nor happiness for about a month or so. After a month, my feelings slowly began to return, step by step, and after about 3 years I was finally able to feel hunger again after following strict rutines and tricks to trigger the hunger. After that experience, i personally saw the importance of feelings. It was super-chill the first weeks; I was just experiencing a whole lot of shocking negative feelings and I didn’t really have anything to be happy about, so a break from all the bad stuff was important to me. But after a while, everything seemed pointless. Nothing gave me satisfaction and I was scared i’d never feel emotions again. In the aftermath, the feelings have sowed themselves to be of great inspirational value to me as an artist, and i’m not sure if I’d prefer life with less emotion. Just be careful with what you wish for – emotions are shit most of the time, but it’s often better with too much emotion than no emotion at all.
I just want to say, I know exactly what you’re talking about Hanna. Life sucks without emotions. Emotions are what drives a person, there’s no point to living without them. They are the very core of your being. I know my emotions are still there, I can sense their presence, but I can’t reach them, can’t feel them. I have never experienced an inability to feel hunger, but I do still have extreme issues with motivation, which is probably the most disabling part of it all. If that wasn’t an issue I could live my life on auto-pilot and wait for things to get better on their own. But right now I’ve worked myself into a deep pit and I’m not sure how to get out, for a large part because of these issues.
I’ve always lived life with an incomplete spectrum of emotions, but to feel none is horrible. It just makes you empty inside and dysfunctional. I’ve been dealing with this for a few years now in varying degrees. They’re slowly returning, but I’m still struggling.
Don’t ever wish your emotions away.
I’m a tad confused is it a tongue in cheek remark? I understand some Asexuals do in fact have no desire for any form of dating and just have alot of friends, but i always wondered if there were any who still wanted relationships just without the romantic physical contact.
Some asexual people do want romantic relationships with varying degrees of physical intimacy. They just don’t usually want to have sex.
From the context of the other queer benefits comics, I am led to believe it is in fact tongue in cheek. I think the comic is sarcastically expressing a frustration that people who are asexual are dismissed as potential dating partners once the other person learns they are ace.
My university has a culture where you’re expected to be productive and awesome all the time. Asexuals thrive. I have a friend who loves to build things and is constantly coming out with neat things from a 3D printer. In high school, he approached asking out a girl as a friend to prom as a fun challenge to make a really neat “promposal.” It involved a drone. Obviously, he would still be this way if he wasn’t asexual, but I’m sure the extra time and lack of a unproductive distraction doesn’t hurt.
My asexual friend Rachel doesn’t enjoy this benefit – she gets hit on constantly, and when she tells people she’s not interested in such things, they don’t believe her.
Even worse: The ones who say “you just haven’t had REAL GOOD sex, I’ll show you and you’ll love it.” Uuuugh.
Oh God I /hate/ it when people flirt with me, I had one guy call me a robot when I explained I just don’t feel attracted to any people in that way. And my asshole of a father has actually /told/ me that I’m just confused and has tried to bribe me to accept the next guy who asks me on a date and just “try it” because as he’s said, he “knows” that I like boys apparently -_-” Y’know despite the fact that I’ve known that I’m aro ace even before I knew what the terms meant.
I’d love to take up more of my time with dating, but no one is wants to date someone that they can’t just fuck. But damn if it doesn’t make men want to “fix” me.
I’m horribly romantically inclined, just not particularly interested in sex. I’d even be willing to have sex with someone I’ve got an emotional connection for their benefit but that would take work so why would anyone want to date that person
So many hobbies! unfortunately the only one I have time for is explaining to people just why I am A. Blah. just accept it and move on, thank you.
As a romantic asexual, ayup.
Extra “benefit”? If you do have a relationship, it tends to be dismissed easily as “not a real relationship” by just about everybody. Hell, I had a partner I was in an 8+ year relationship say at the end that she didn’t internally regard our relationship as real because I was ace. Which all just really means that I don’t have to worry about handling lots of friends and loved ones sending condolences when a relationship ends.
Content warning for this next “benefit”:
Double extra super bonus “benefit”: People just love to be helpful and fix us, knowing that our sexual desire can totally be “jumpstarted” in much the same way as a car by just shoving it in and seeing if that “fixes” everything.
Triple ultra mega “benefit”: So many people will just assume you are lucky not to be distracted by sexual attraction, that they’ll helpfully assume you have no axes of discrimination from being ace, thus saving valuable time that could have been wasted being seen by other communities.
Oh, forgot one more “benefit”. Thanks to society helpfully assuming that lack of sexual attraction equals lack of love I can often know ahead of time what conversation I’ll be having with my crying partner at 3 in the morning, which means more preparation time.
This this this this this. (Fellow ace of hearts here).
Another fellow ace of hearts, here.
Yeah, I’ve been through this myself. Especially the “lucky” invisibility cloak and the sexual jumpstarting. It ain’t fun.
Yep, it’s great never having to be bothered with taking someone out to dinner, doing fun stuff together, getting to know each other better and developing any sense of emotional intimacy. Besides, asexuals need all that extra time to have great careers so they can afford a house to live in all by themselves (minus all the cats of course) and do hobbies until they die alone. Yep, that’s the fantasy of every asexual person.
well there’s a difference between asexual and aromantic. i am asexual but heteromantic. meaning i dont find sex or sexual thoughts interesting, but can form a romantic relationship with someone
I would love to see one of these for the idea that everyone seems to NEED to tell you how to live your life, and how a lot of friends try to set you up with someone just because your sexuality matches, with no thought to whether or not you’re compatible.
Loving this series, though! Brilliant!
These comments are extremely interesting and enlightening to me, I know very little about this and find it helpful to learn from people who live it. so thank you
Cerberus and O.
I totally hear you on all of those.
It does more than kinda suck.
Sorry, couldn’t understand. Please repeat in flag semaphore.
I’m a pan engaged to an ace, and there’s a ridiculous amount of people that don’t understand us. Maybe we need to spell it out in flag semaphore.
I s’pose some asexuals (or perhaps ‘most’?) dislike being asexual? I have personally not had to experience any negative repercussions due to my complete disinterest in sex. I spent about 34 years of my life DYING to be loved, and have sex, and finding intimacy with ANYONE who would oblige… then after some professional guidance and soul searching, began to realize/accept that I was trans. Once I began taking the hormones, sex was no longer remotely interesting to me. Once sex wasn’t a factor… ‘intimate’ relationships became an exhaustive and troublesome idea. I enjoy the company of friends, and candid conversations, and improving myself through learning and trying new things. Asexual is (for me) a liberation from base urges, hormonal attachments, or desire for anything beyond casual friendships. The last few years have been some of the best of my entire life, and I never want to go back.
I am glad it eventually worked out for you. But no, I don’t think it is an issue of disliking being asexual, as much as it is a dislike for all the assholes that come out of the woodwork because of it. As one example, there are plenty of guys who will pester a woman for sex, even when told she is not interested in either him or in guys in general, but will back of if she has a boyfriend. There is, sadly, also a lot of discrimination against aces. Aces of hearts also have trouble because it is difficult finding a partner to be romantic with who will want to be romantic with you even if the relationship would not involve sex. Non-sexual romantic relationships will also often be frowned upon as “not real relationships”. Open relationships can help, here, where the sexual partner can choose to have sex with other people if they so desire, but that is not everyone’s bag.
This is compounded by the frustration that everyone is making a huge fuss, not about some strong passion you have, but because you are simply apathetic to something. I know this last one bothers me a lot. I am ace because I don’t really care about sex or have any strong emotions about it, and yet people make a huge fuss. That is tiring.
I’m glad to hear you’re happy. 🙂
I’m an ace of hearts and I definitely don’t wish I wasn’t. I enjoy being ace, it’s who I am and I don’t see anything wrong with it. My issues come from how others deal with it (or fail to deal with it). What I want is not to be “fixed” but to be understood and accepted.
I guess that makes me an Ace of Spades with my Aromantic tendencies. I would call myself an Ace of Diamonds, only because I don’t want to eliminate the possibility of a relationship at SOME point in my life… but I really don’t see that happening. I love the idea of romance and love, and sappy movies make me cry like a baby, but sex scenes make me uncomfortable or make me roll my eyes impatiently. Romance for me is like a box full of puppies, absolutely cute and precious, and I would swoon and giggle at seeing them play and romp about… from afar, but I would NEVER take that accursed box of adorable demons home.
Oh, and “thank you” both. I *AM* very happy being Ace, and I guess I now have a better understanding of challenges that others Aces face.
Well, can say that if you aproach them right, A-sexies are more than willing to hang out, date, and even get married. As my Fiancee will attest as she’s Ace and marrying my weird ass. LOL.
Seriously, loads less stress without worrying if sex is involved somehow. We just get to hang out and be buddies and break people’s heads when they see us go by. Its fun!
It took a lot of work, but I’m thankfully in a place where I and my boyfriend are comfortable and work with me being asexual (or are at least steadily approaching a nice balance). My ex was… considerably less thoughtful. (Thus ex.)
unfortunately, more free time isn’t always a good thing. i would find myself watching the same youtube videos so many times and ask, “the hell’s wrong witchu, boy?”
I…I would be guilty of assuming that. It’s just the definition ‘lack of sexual attraction towards others’ definition gives a false reading I guess.
Then again, what do I know? I’m a straight female with near crippling social anxiety and just general laziness when confronted by, oh, say, leaving my apartment. Message boards are all I need, really. I actually don’t like too much socialization. It tires me out.
The point isn’t that I was wrong in my thinking here, the point is that I learned. That should be the point of all informative things. We aren’t born with knowledge, we always are learning.
And I just learned how poetic I can be under the influence of Unisom.
And me, I just want to love and hug all of you (if you wanted it of course)
i am both asexual and agender so this comic is for me
…tongue in cheek, d’ya think? 😉
Still not sure how my friends managed to comprehend my (lack of a) gender easier than they managed to comprehend my sexuality. YES I AM INTERESTED IN OTHER HUMAN BEINGS ROMANTICALLY! …I just don’t want to have sex with them. I fail to see what is so complicated here.
Totally just ran into this comic while procrastinating on an essay. But as the only out Asexual I know IRL it gets really frustrating…. I just want to find a cute someone and cuddle and do dorky things together. But after one breakup after I came out it gets discouraging.
“Queer benefits….Asexual people!”
This…this must be what it feels like to be included.
Sigh…It feels nice…
This comic and these posts are so inspiring–hugs to all who want them!! My partner is still figuring things out but definitely some variety of ace and aro, and I’m pan and ridiculously-over-the-top starry-eyed romantic. He’s fantastically awesome and my best friend of many years and we’ve talked about things and I’m still the crying partner at 3am. I’m sorry for being such an asshole. :c these heartfelt thoughts give me hope that I could possibly learn to be less awful…I will try! <3
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